Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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