Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dicks are not precious.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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