I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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