totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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