we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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