He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
