I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
