margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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