remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
