my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
