so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
