I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
