I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
