Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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