I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My ass is underappreciated
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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