I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
