just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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