Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she smelled like a LAN party
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
