my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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