I think im going to throw up on grandma
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
