They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
