Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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