She is in my trunk
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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