Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
