We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
