Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
