Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
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