Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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