when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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