well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
