goodnight i made you a song goodbye
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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