I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
