So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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