Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
