Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
