I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
