Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
