please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
