if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
