You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize