I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
