sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
