I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
