I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
