This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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