If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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