Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
