i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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