She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was a blind-side dick pic.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
