I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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